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I'm so frustrated....

I can't fucking sleep and it makes me so mad!

I've already cried my eyes out, rocked back and forth (still doing that), and I feel like its too god damn hot in this fucking house. I'm agravated by my condition, epilepsy or whatever the fuck it is, and I wish I could just get to fucking SLEEP!!!

I'm angry angry angry. I don't even want to try to sleep anymore because I've been trying for the past 7 hours and I just keep seizing or becoming frozen trying to breathe, scared I'm gonna die, or not wake up this time, because no one realizes what's happening and that I need HELP!...

Do you know how AWFUL it feels to SUFFER and FEAR FOR YOUR LIFE and NOT BE ABLE TO SCREAM for HELP when there's someone RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO YOU ASLEEP?!?!?!?!?!?!?

If only I could SAY SOMETHING, if only I could MOVE. But NO, I am UNABLE TO MOVE, UNABLE TO SPEAK OR SCREAm, ONLY ABLE TO BE STUCK, WHINE, SUFFER, AND FEAR.

I just wish it would stop...

I'm just so tired and drained all the time. When I am awake, I'm sleepy, when I lay down, I'm not allowed rest.

Sleep is suppose to be relaxing and something to look forward to.... For me, I have to force myself to close my eyes, scared shitless that its gonna happen again.... and usually it does.

I'm fucking hallucinating again now. Lack of sleep? Or just my crazy? I swear I saw a cut sliced on the top of my right hand while typing... Its gone now though.

I've been perscribed Valium....

I haven't gotten it or taken it yet...

I'm scared to to be honest.

What if it makes it worse? What if then.... I can't get unfrozen.... and I get stuck that way... untill someone notices... which they won't.... and I'll just go insane locked inside my crazy head.... I wonder where locked in syndrome comes from? Hopefully not randomly.... Hopefully not directed at me...

I JUST WANT SOME PEACEFUL FUCKING SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I don't even feel like writing this anymore... I'll write some anyway. This may sound weird, and to be honest I'm really confused by it all. But to make quick comments about it... here I go.

I don't think I'm here all the time. And I don't remember anything for days at a time... I really don't remember my senior year, but bits and pieces of a shattered

[Deleted for personal reasons]

So I guess.... I..... *sighz* I can't fucking remember!!!! It pisses me offfffffff.... im not gointo post this shit . maybe i will .. i should. ill [deleted]... little bitch tried thou didnt she poor thing NOT i dont know why shes still here she was spose to be dead by now or at least gone. i think shes trying to get rid of me. ..

Okay... Am I [deleted] or something?

AM I FUCKING CRAZY?!?! I can't take this shit and I'm going insane. I just want to be normal...

I want to erase that but I think I'll leave it for reference. Ugh... I feel sick... and my head hurts so bad. I don't even remember what I was trying to talk about.

Well, anyway, I guess, we'll stop talking about A because I honestly have no clue as to what happened. And I guess I'll try to forget. Even though its like it still just happened yesterday. Where have I been? I sound like a fucking lunatic. *screams in frustration*

Anyway... I've had strange things happen to me since as long as I can remember. They seemed to flare up more though when I started hanging out with A and these other people. We were role playing I guess? But as it went on, it seemed more and more real. And things started getting worse. Can't explain really, cause you probably already think I'm crazy. But that's where my memory lapses began until I lost a whole year of my life.

This past year in my life I've pretty much remember 3/4 of. And I think I'm me most of the time, but sometimes its so hard to fight.

Its like it getting stronger than me, but I'm getting a little stronger too, but it drains my energy. This probably makes no damn sense, but to me its crystal clear. Anyway, I've been to some doctors. One says I'm having seizures, other wants to put me on antipsychotic meds. (I know you're probably thinking what does this have to do with it? and Yeah, you need those antipsychotic meds you crazy bitch), but I agree with the epilepsy, maybe not for everything weird happening, but at least for these strange episodes I'm having. I'll be going to sleep or wake up, and I get frozen unable to move, then my hubby says I violently shake (usually my jaw, but there's also been my head a lot of times, and one my upper arm.) My hubby said that one time, everything got quiet, I stopped breathing, then the room started creeking before it happened. Creeped him out. Would me too. He thinks I have demons inside of me. Okay, scratch that. Another crazy I know. Most of the time I will stop breathing before it happens though. And it scares me, because I stay conscious the whole time, unable to do anything but go through the horiffic experience. It's so upsetting, and I wish I had more support from someone who understood, but where am I suppose to find that person? Lol.... I hallucinate alot too, and "leave my body". I'll stop there before you try to think I'm completely crazy... (as if you don't already think that, hah.) But anyway, that's not even the tip of the iceburg.

I WANT TO BE NORMAL.... well, not normal... but somewhat closer to fucking normal...